Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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