Your mouth is God's brothel.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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