My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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