I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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