we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
