my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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