I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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