Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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