guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
