The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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