Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
