I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
