Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
