i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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