There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
