I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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