I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
