my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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