Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
