my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
