I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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