I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
