textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
