I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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