Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
