I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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