he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
