It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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