we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
