I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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