if you like me you must not know who I am
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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