didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
did i just pee glitter
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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