I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
