i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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