I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
