Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
