Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
