well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
