we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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