OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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