dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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