My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
