I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
