Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
