so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
