he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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