No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
