Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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