If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
