i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
