Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
