I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
